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Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.

THE VULNERABILITY LIFETRAP

The following are signs that the Vulnerability Lifetrap is active:

• Always feeling that something bad is going to happen.
• Feels like catastrophe can strike at any moment.
• Worrying that you will become homeless.
• Worrying often about being attacked by criminals, thieves, etc.
• Worries about getting serious illness.
• Being too anxious to travel on planes, trains, etc.
• Have anxiety attacks.
• Being worried about any type of physical sensation in the body.
• Worrying you will lose control in public or go crazy.
• Worrying about having no money.

The following are possible ways this lifetrap may have developed.

• Your parents may have had the same lifetrap. Your parent was scared or had phobias about certain things related to the lifetrap.
• Your parents was overprotective and warned you often of dangers. You felt incompetent or fragile and felt you couldn’t handle everyday issues.
• Parents did not protect you adequately. Your childhood did not feel safe physically, emotionally, or financially.
• You were sick as a child or experienced traumatic event that led to feelings of vulnerability.
• A parent experienced traumatic event or may have died. You began to view the world as dangerous.

The following are ways of breaking this lifetrap:

• Understand where the lifetrap originates.
• Make a list of specific fears.
• Develop a hierarchy of feared situations.
• Ask for support from people close to you in facing your fears.
• Analyze probability of feared even happening.
• Utilize flashcards for feared events.
• Talk to your inner child and be a strong, brave parent for your inner child.
• Practice relaxation techniques.
• Utilize imagery to face your fears.
• Face each fear in real life when appropriate.
• Reward yourself for progress made.

With hard work and patience with yourself you can break this lifetrap and have a more satisfying life.

Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.

Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.

THE DEPENDENCE LIFETRAP

The following are signs that the Dependence Lifetrap is active:

• Feeling more like a child than an adult when handling daily responsibilities
• Feeling you are no able to get by on your own
• Not coping well by yourself
• Feeling others take better care of you than you do taking care of yourself
• Struggles with new tasks unless there is someone there to guide you
• Feeling you can’t do anything right
• Feeling inept
• Feels like you lack common sense
• Not trusting your own judgment
• Finds everyday life overwhelming

The following are possible ways this Lifetrap may have developed:

• Parents were overprotective; treated you younger than you really were
• Parents made decisions for you
• You never learn to care for yourself because parents took care of all the details of your life
• Parents did schoolwork for you
• You were given little or no responsibility
• You rarely are away from parents and have little sense of self
• Parents are critical of your opinions and doubt your competence in everyday tasks
• When you attempt something new, your parents interfered and gave you advice and instruction
• Your parents protect you so much you never feel rejection or failure until you leave home
• Your parents had many fears and warned you of dangers

The following are ways of breaking away from this Lifetrap:

• Understand the childhood dependence and feel the incompetent/dependent child inside of you
• List situations, tasks, responsibilities, and decisions where you depend on others
• List challenges, changes, or fears you have avoided because you are scared of them
• Tackle tasks and decisions without asking for help. Make changes or face challenges you have been avoiding. Start with the easiest ones first.
• Take credit when you are successful and don’t minimize it. Don’t give up if you fail. Keep trying until the task has been mastered.
• Look at past relationships and identify patterns of dependence. Identify warning signs and what to avoid.
• Avoid the partners who may generate high chemistry but are strong and overprotective.
• If you find someone who treats you as an equal, give the relationship a chance. Do your share of decision making and responsibility.
• Do not complain if someone does not help you enough. Do not turn to others for constant advice and reassurance.
• Gradually take on new responsibilities and challenges in the workplace.
• Do not take on more than you can handle. Know when it is healthy to ask for help.

Time and hard work will help you become healthier and avoid this Lifetrap.

Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.

Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.

SOCIAL EXCLUSION LIFETRAP

The following are signs that the Emotional Exclusion Lifetrap is present:

• Feeling self-conscious in social situations.
• Feeling you are dull and boring at gatherings and social functions. You never know what to say.
• Feeling like the people you would like as friends are above you; more popular, ealthy, good looking, etc.
• Wanting to avoid social functions.
• Feeling unattractive physically and undesirable.
• Feeling that you are different than other people.
• Feeling like you do not belong anywhere. The sense of being a loner.
• Feeling that you are on the outside of groups; not fitting in.
• Feeling your family was different than other families.
• Feeling disconnected from the community.

The following are possible ways this Lifetrap may have developed:

• Feeling inferior as a child due to an observable quality. You may have been teased, bullied, or humiliated by others.
• Your family was different then other families or neighbors.
• You may have felt different than other children or even within your family unit.
• You were passive as a child and did what was expected of you. You may have never developed interests of your own. Now you feel you don’t have anything to offer in a conversation.

The following are ways to work on breaking away from this Lifetrap:

• Understand the childhood exclusion. Feel the child inside that is isolated or feeling inferior.
• List the situations that cause anxiety are make you feel uncomfortable.
• List the situations you avoid.
• List ways you might overcompensate for feelings of being different or inferior.
• List things about yourself that make you feel inferior, alienated, and vulnerable.
• Write down steps to overcome any flaws you feel are real. Make plans of change and follow through.
• Reevaluate the importance of flaws you cannot change.
• List the social and work groups you avoid. Make it into a hierarchy and work your way up.
• When you find yourself in group settings, step outside your comfort zone and initiate conversation.
• Be yourself when you are around other people.
• Stop trying to compensate for your perceived areas of undesirability.

This Lifetrap will take time and a lot of effort. Get out of your comfort zone as much as possible.

Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.

Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.

EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION LIFETRAP

The following are signs that the Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap is present:

• Feeling you need more love than you are getting
• Feeling no one understands you
• Attracted to partners that are cold and can’t meet your needs
• Feeling disconnected, even from people that are close to you
• Feeling you have not had a person who wants to be with you and that cares deeply about what happens to you
• Feeling there is no one to give you warmth or affection
• Not having someone who listens and acknowledges your feelings and needs
• Wanting people to protect and guide you but finding it difficult to allow people to do this
• Having difficulty allowing others to love you
• Feeling lonely a majority of the time

There may be different things that a person experiences as a child that can lead to this lifetrap of Emotional Depravation. The following are some possible origins in developing this schema.

• The parent of the child may be cold and is not affectionate. The parent may not hold or soothe the child enough.
• The child may feel unloved or undervalued
• The child does not get enough time and attention from the parent
• The parent may not recognize or acknowledge the child’s needs. The parent may not show empathy and has trouble connecting to the child.
• The parent may not soothe the child appropriately and the child may not learn to self soothe or receive soothing from other people
• The parents may not provide a sense of direction or guidance for the child. The child does not have anyone they can fully rely on.

Changing this lifetrap, or schema, is possible. The following are ways a person can work on breaking out of this lifetrap:

• Understand your childhood deprivation. Connect with the child inside of you.
• Monitor and be aware of feelings of deprivation in current relationships. Acknowledge your need for empathy, nurturing, and guidance.
• Look at past relationships and identify any patterns. Identify any warning signs or pitfalls you need to avoid for future relationships.
• Avoid partners who may generate high chemistry but are emotionally unavailable.
• When someone is emotionally generous, give the relationship a chance. State what your needs are. Become vulnerable to the person.
• Do not blame your partner or be demanding about your needs.

There are many benefits to working on schemas. One is the ability to be able to connect with healthy people and form meaningful relationships.

Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.

Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.

MISTRUST/ABUSE SCHEMA

This blog will focus on the Mistrust/Abuse Schema. If this schema is developed, it can manifest in the following ways:

• The expectation that others will harm you by lying, cheating, using humiliation, abuse, hurting, or taking advantage.
• Feels the harm is intentional.
• The harm is the result of negligent behavior or is unjustified.
• May feel they are cheated more than other people.
• May feel they always get the short end of the stick.

The origins of this lifetrap, or schema, may be due to abuse as a child, emotional abuse that included teasing and humiliation, family members may have exploited the person, you were warned not to trust others, people in the family were against you, or bullying.

To change this schema, the person may need to do some of the following:

• Seek therapy to heal from trauma
• Stop blaming yourself
• Reduce or stop contact with any oof the people that abused you
• When ready, confront the abuse and abuser. This can be done with a therapists help or guidance
• Do not tolerate abuse in current relationships
• Become closer and more trusting of healthy people
• Try to seek out partners that will respect boundaries and do not want to hurt you
• Do not become an abuser

Since this schema can relate to abuse as a child or presently, it is beneficial to seek professional help to work through the abuse and become more familiar with healthy boundaries.

Reference: Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1993). Reinventing your life. Plume Printing. London, England.

Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.

ABANDONMENT/INSTABILITY SCHEMA
This blog will focus on the schema regarding abandonment and instability. If this schema is developed, it can manifest as the following:
• Perceives that people are unavailable for support or the support and connection is unstable.
• Believes significant others will not be able to continue providing support because they are not stable or available emotionally.
• Have a fear that their partner will die.
• The fear that their partner will leave them for someone else.

This lifetrap usually begins at an early age and many times before the person learns to talk. They may have had a close parent leave the home or pass away. This begins the lifetrap of believing that all relationships will end in the person leaving or dying. In other cases, the person may feel they have been abandoned on an emotional level.

Changing the Abandonment/Instability Lifetrap

1. Understand and learn about the lifetrap.
2. Pay attention to your feelings of abandonment. Identify the fear of losing people or your need to attach to people.
3. Analyze past relationships to identify patterns of the lifetrap.
4. Quickly identify and avoid people who appear unstable, unable to commit, or who are ambivalent.
5. When you find a healthy partner, trust them. Remind yourself that they will not leave.
6. There are normal separations within in healthy relationships. Don’t become jealous or become clingy.

It is beneficial to be able to recognize when the lifetrap is active. Self-talk is important to rewire the brain to have healthier and more satisfying relationships.

Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1993). Reinventing your life. Plume Printing. London, England.

Many people find themselves repeating the same destructive patterns; bad relationships, overeating, job failure, depression, anxiety, etc. Many times utilizing techniques such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy; replacing negative thinking and retraining the brain, can be very beneficial and shows positive results. However, other times this may not be enough. So what does a person do? Being able to recognize your schemas can assist in identifying WHY these patterns are so persistent and can help a person discover how to change it.

Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.

Early Maladaptive Schemas

DISCONNECTION AND REJECTION

Abandonment/Instability

Mistrust/Abuse

Emotional Deprivation

Defectiveness/Shame

Social Isolation/Alienation

IMPAIRED AUTONOMY AND PERFORMANCE

Dependence/Incompetence

Vulnerability to Harm or Illness

Enmeshment/Undeveloped Self

Failure

IMPAIRED LIMITS

Entitlement/Grandiosity

Insufficient Self-Control/Discipline

OTHER-DIRECTEDNESS

Subjugation

Self-Sacrifice

Approval Seeking/Recognition-Seeking

OVERVIGILANCE AND INHIBITION

Negativity/Pessimism

Emotional Inhibition

Unrelenting Standards/Hypercriticalness

Punitiveness

Being able to identify your schema helps to have the ability to recognize when the pattern is activated and how to stop it from causing more dysfunction. Once these patterns are broken, it can lead to self-fulfillment and life satisfaction!!

Subscribe to our blog to follow this blog series on Schema Therapy!

Reference: International Society of Schema Therapy. (2020). The schema therapy model. Glossop-Ring 35, DE-61118 Bad Vilbel, Germany

Suicide is something that is devastating to families, friends, and communities. It is something that is talked about more often in this current day in age, however, is it talked about enough? People that commit suicide are sometimes thought to be selfish; not caring about the aftermath. However, what is the reality of it? The reality is that the person’s brain is not functioning in a healthy way which can cause repetitive negative thinking. If not helped, the person can become convinced that the world is better off without them.

I remember a day in 2010 very clearly. It was by far the worst day of my life. It was not because I had to tell my nine-year-old son that his father was no longer living; it was because I had to tell my son HOW his father died. For a nine-year-old, trying to process his father’s suicide was not an easy task. He would ask if his father was angry with him. I then realized that for children, they will carry the burden of guilt and feeling they were at fault because their brains cannot process suicide like an adult. Even an adult struggles with processing suicide.

I remember spending hours and many sleepless nights trying to piece the puzzle together. It became an obsession of trying to determine the exact timeline of the last hours of my son’s father’s life, his last thoughts, and any other thing I could think to figure out just so I could get an answer.

What makes suicide different then other causes of death is this: There will never be closure. Not the type of closure one gets if a grandmother dies, or a friend dies from an illness, or even a car accident. This is different. The “whys” and “how’s” will always be unanswered. The “should have” and “what if’s” will also be there. The aftermath of suicide is devastating because the guilt is placed on anyone that was close to that person.

With hard work and help, a person can get through losing a loved one to suicide. They may go through many stages of grief, and sometimes that grief may come back years later. I do not know that it gets easier, but maybe it gets different and becomes more manageable. The person can begin to accept that their loved one was unhealthy and recognize that we cannot prevent what we cannot predict. Self-care is crucial when working through any loss. As well as being able to ask for help when needed.

Being aware of the signs of suicidal thoughts can be helpful. However, many times there are no signs at all. A person can only do so much to try and reach out to help a loved one, but ultimately, we have no control over what happens. What we can control is knowing the signs, reaching out and offering assistance and possibly helping a person through a rough time in their life.

Warning Signs of Suicide

Increase substance use

Aggressive behavior

Withdrawal from family, friends, and community

Dramatic mood swings

Impulsive and reckless behavior

Collecting and saving pills or buying a weapon

Giving away possessions

Tying up loose ends; paying debt; getting paperwork in order

Saying goodbye to friends and family

If identified, there are some ways to help:

• Talk openly and honestly. Don’t be afraid to ask questions like: “Do you have a plan for how you would kill yourself?”
• Remove means such as guns, knives or stockpiled pills
• Calmly ask simple and direct questions, like “Can I help you call your psychiatrist?”
• If there are multiple people around, have one person speak at a time
• Express support and concern
• Don’t argue, threaten or raise your voice
• Don’t debate whether suicide is right or wrong
• If you’re nervous, try not to fidget or pace
• Be patient

If you or someone you know is in an emergency, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or call 911 immediately.

Reference: National Alliance on Mental Illness. (2020). Risk of suicide. Retrieved from: https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Common-with-Mental-Illness/Risk-of-Suicide

            Growing up I think many children had diaries. It was always fun to have that diary that had its own lock and key. There was something exciting in keeping secrets locked away in a place that felt safe. As adults, many of us have continued this practice of journaling and seem to experience benefits. However, do we really know just HOW beneficial journaling is?

BENEFITS OF JOURNALING

Clarify your thoughts and feelings: Sometimes it can be difficult to identify how you are feeling. You may feel all jumbled up inside and have trouble getting a clear thought. Journaling can help you identify feelings and make better sense of what is going on internally.

Know yourself better: Writing on a regular basis helps you to get more in tune with what makes you happy. You are able to identify things or people in your life that are unhealthy. This can have a positive impact on your emotional well-being.

Reduce stress: When you write about feelings, such as anger, sadness, and other painful feelings, it takes away the intensity of the feelings. You will be able to practice mindfulness better and find a sense of serenity.

Solve problems more effectively: Journaling can bring together the right hemisphere of the brain; responsible for creativity and intuition, with the left hemisphere of the brain; responsible for analytical perspective. This helps you find solutions you may never knew existed!

Resolve disagreements with others: Writing about disagreements may help you to understand the other person’s point of view. Writing can help you sort out the information, so you are able to come up with a way to resolve the conflict.

            There are many benefits to journaling. The above-mentioned benefits are only the tip of the iceberg. Brain science has shown that journaling helps the brain to process information differently and has many health benefits for the brain and a person’s physical and mental health.

            Having trouble getting started? There are many ways to start journaling, including journal prompts!! Have you tried journaling? How has it helped you?

Reference: Purcell, M. (2020). The health benefits of journaling. Retrieved from: https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-health-benefits-of-journaling/

Grief is something that everyone will experience sometime in their life. When people think of grief, they usually think of the death of a loved one. However, grief can happen in many more cases. Grief is defined as deep sorrow. This can come in many forms, including death, divorce, job loss, health issues, etc.

The symptoms of grief vary from person to person and it has been discovered that despite past ideas of thought, grief is an individualized experience. Grief can cause sadness and the person may have trouble enjoying things that they once did. These are symptoms similar to that of depression. Grief, as opposed to depression, will begin to lessen and the person will begin to feel less sad and will start to enjoy the things they enjoyed before. Depression tends to be prolonged feelings of sadness and can disrupt daily functioning.

SYMPTOMS OF GRIEF	SYMPTOMS OF DEPRESSION
* Change in appetite *Sleep disturbance *Fatigue/exhaustion *Tearfulness *Difficulty concentrating *Avoidance of people and situations *Suicidal thoughts or actions *Anger, sadness, loneliness *Feelings of hopelessness *Neglect of hygiene *Loss of interest in work and activities *Anger at self, deceased person, God	*Depressed mood or irritability *Loss of interest or pleasure in activities *Loss of appetite, significant weight loss *Sleeping too much or not enough *Sluggish movements *Fatigue, loss of energy *Feelings of worthlessness, guilt *Indecisiveness, difficulty concentrating *Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide *Significant impairment in functioning

Grief and depression can look almost identical. It is important to understand that depression is something that is prolonged and does not show improvement. Grief will begin to improve and should not cause a disrupt in functioning for a prolonged amount of time. If you feel that you may be experiencing depression, or are unsure if your grief is healthy, please reach out for help to a counselor, mentor, or trusted friend.