Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.
SOCIAL EXCLUSION LIFETRAP
The following are signs that the Emotional Exclusion Lifetrap is present:
- Feeling self-conscious in social situations.
- Feeling you are dull and boring at gatherings and social functions. You never know what to say.
- Feeling like the people you would like as friends are above you; more popular, ealthy, good looking, etc.
- Wanting to avoid social functions.
- Feeling unattractive physically and undesirable.
- Feeling that you are different than other people.
- Feeling like you do not belong anywhere. The sense of being a loner.
- Feeling that you are on the outside of groups; not fitting in.
- Feeling your family was different than other families.
- Feeling disconnected from the community.
The following are possible ways this Lifetrap may have developed:
- Feeling inferior as a child due to an observable quality. You may have been teased, bullied, or humiliated by others.
- Your family was different then other families or neighbors.
- You may have felt different than other children or even within your family unit.
- You were passive as a child and did what was expected of you. You may have never developed interests of your own. Now you feel you don’t have anything to offer in a conversation.
The following are ways to work on breaking away from this Lifetrap:
- Understand the childhood exclusion. Feel the child inside that is isolated or feeling inferior.
- List the situations that cause anxiety are make you feel uncomfortable.
- List the situations you avoid.
- List ways you might overcompensate for feelings of being different or inferior.
- List things about yourself that make you feel inferior, alienated, and vulnerable.
- Write down steps to overcome any flaws you feel are real. Make plans of change and follow through.
- Reevaluate the importance of flaws you cannot change.
- List the social and work groups you avoid. Make it into a hierarchy and work your way up.
- When you find yourself in group settings, step outside your comfort zone and initiate conversation.
- Be yourself when you are around other people.
- Stop trying to compensate for your perceived areas of undesirability.
This Lifetrap will take time and a lot of effort. Get out of your comfort zone as much as possible.
Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.