Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.
THE DEPENDENCE LIFETRAP
The following are signs that the Dependence Lifetrap is active:
- Feeling more like a child than an adult when handling daily responsibilities
- Feeling you are no able to get by on your own
- Not coping well by yourself
- Feeling others take better care of you than you do taking care of yourself
- Struggles with new tasks unless there is someone there to guide you
- Feeling you can’t do anything right
- Feeling inept
- Feels like you lack common sense
- Not trusting your own judgment
- Finds everyday life overwhelming
The following are possible ways this Lifetrap may have developed:
- Parents were overprotective; treated you younger than you really were
- Parents made decisions for you
- You never learn to care for yourself because parents took care of all the details of your life
- Parents did schoolwork for you
- You were given little or no responsibility
- You rarely are away from parents and have little sense of self
- Parents are critical of your opinions and doubt your competence in everyday tasks
- When you attempt something new, your parents interfered and gave you advice and instruction
- Your parents protect you so much you never feel rejection or failure until you leave home
- Your parents had many fears and warned you of dangers
The following are ways of breaking away from this Lifetrap:
- Understand the childhood dependence and feel the incompetent/dependent child inside of you
- List situations, tasks, responsibilities, and decisions where you depend on others
- List challenges, changes, or fears you have avoided because you are scared of them
- Tackle tasks and decisions without asking for help. Make changes or face challenges you have been avoiding. Start with the easiest ones first.
- Take credit when you are successful and don’t minimize it. Don’t give up if you fail. Keep trying until the task has been mastered.
- Look at past relationships and identify patterns of dependence. Identify warning signs and what to avoid.
- Avoid the partners who may generate high chemistry but are strong and overprotective.
- If you find someone who treats you as an equal, give the relationship a chance. Do your share of decision making and responsibility.
- Do not complain if someone does not help you enough. Do not turn to others for constant advice and reassurance.
- Gradually take on new responsibilities and challenges in the workplace.
- Do not take on more than you can handle. Know when it is healthy to ask for help.
Time and hard work will help you become healthier and avoid this Lifetrap.
Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.