Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.
EMOTIONAL DEPRIVATION LIFETRAP
The following are signs that the Emotional Deprivation Lifetrap is present:
- Feeling you need more love than you are getting
- Feeling no one understands you
- Attracted to partners that are cold and can’t meet your needs
- Feeling disconnected, even from people that are close to you
- Feeling you have not had a person who wants to be with you and that cares deeply about what happens to you
- Feeling there is no one to give you warmth or affection
- Not having someone who listens and acknowledges your feelings and needs
- Wanting people to protect and guide you but finding it difficult to allow people to do this
- Having difficulty allowing others to love you
- Feeling lonely a majority of the time
There may be different things that a person experiences as a child that can lead to this lifetrap of Emotional Depravation. The following are some possible origins in developing this schema.
- The parent of the child may be cold and is not affectionate. The parent may not hold or soothe the child enough.
- The child may feel unloved or undervalued
- The child does not get enough time and attention from the parent
- The parent may not recognize or acknowledge the child’s needs. The parent may not show empathy and has trouble connecting to the child.
- The parent may not soothe the child appropriately and the child may not learn to self soothe or receive soothing from other people
- The parents may not provide a sense of direction or guidance for the child. The child does not have anyone they can fully rely on.
Changing this lifetrap, or schema, is possible. The following are ways a person can work on breaking out of this lifetrap:
- Understand your childhood deprivation. Connect with the child inside of you.
- Monitor and be aware of feelings of deprivation in current relationships. Acknowledge your need for empathy, nurturing, and guidance.
- Look at past relationships and identify any patterns. Identify any warning signs or pitfalls you need to avoid for future relationships.
- Avoid partners who may generate high chemistry but are emotionally unavailable.
- When someone is emotionally generous, give the relationship a chance. State what your needs are. Become vulnerable to the person.
- Do not blame your partner or be demanding about your needs.
There are many benefits to working on schemas. One is the ability to be able to connect with healthy people and form meaningful relationships.
Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.