Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.
THE UNRELENTING STANDARDS LIFETRAP
The following are signs that this Lifetrap might be active:
- Not being able to accept being second best. You feel like you have to be the best at everything you do.
- You feel like nothing you do is quite good enough.
- You strive to keep everything in perfect order.
- You have to always look your best.
- You have no time to relax because you feel like you have so much to accomplish.
- Your relationships suffer because you punish yourself so hard.
- You put yourself under so much pressure your health suffers.
- You feel you deserve strong criticism when you make a mistake.
- You are very competitive.
- Wealth and status are very important to you.
The following may be how and why your Lifetrap developed:
- You felt your parents love was conditional on meeting high standards.
- One or both parents were models of high, unbalanced standards.
- Your unrelenting standards developed as a way to compensate for feelings of defectiveness, social exclusion, deprivation, or failure.
- One or both parents used shame or criticism when you failed to meet high expectations.
The following are ways to break this Lifetrap:
- List the areas in which your standards may be unbalanced or unrelenting.
- List the advantages of trying to meet these standards on a daily basis.
- List the disadvantages of pushing so hard in these areas.
- Try to conjure an image of what your life would be like without these pressures.
- Understand the origins of the lifetrap.
- Consider what would happen if you lowered your standards by 25 %.
- Try to quantify the time you devote to maintaining your standards.
- Try to determine what reasonable standards would look like from getting opinions of balanced individuals.
- Gradually make changes to your schedule or change behaviors in order to get your deeper needs met.
You can live a more healthy and relaxed life when you work through this Lifetrap.
Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.