Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.
THE SUBJUGATION LIFETRAP
The following are signs this Lifetrap may be active.
- You let other people control you.
- Being afraid if you don’t do what people want, they may retaliate, get mad, or reject you.
- Never felt you were able to make your own decisions.
- Have trouble demanding people respect your rights.
- Worry about making other people happy and trying to get their approval.
- Try to avoid confrontation.
- Feel you give more to people than you get back.
- Usually take care of people close to you because you feel others pain so deeply.
- You feel guilty if you put yourself first.
- Feel like you are a good person because you think of others before yourself.
The following may be how and why this Lifetrap developed:
- Your parents may have tried to dominate or control your life.
- If you did not do things their way, your parents punished, threatened, or got angry with you.
- If you disagreed with them on how to do things they may have cut off contact with you or withdrew emotionally.
- You were not allowed to make your own choices as a child.
- You may have had to take care of family members because your parents were not around often.
- Your parents talked often to you about their personal problems so you were always in the listener role.
- If you did not do what your parents wanted they made you feel guilty or selfish.
- Your parents might have taken care of everyone else’s needs while ignoring their own.
- You did not feel your rights, needs, or opinion were respected.
- Your parents may have had a tendency to become worried or depressed so you were careful about what you said.
- You may have been angry that your parents did not give you freedom like other children.
The following are ways of breaking this Lifetrap:
- Understand you childhood subjugation and feel the child inside you.
- List situations at home and work where you subjugate or sacrifice your needs to others.
- Start forming your own preferences and opinions. Learn about yourself and your needs.
- Make a list of what you do or give to others and a list of what they do or give to you.
- Don’t be passive-aggressive. Be assertive and express what you need or want.
- Practicing asking for other peoples help. Discuss your problems with people. Achieve a balance of give and take in your relationships.
- Pull back from relationships with people that are self-centered or selfish and get out of relationships where you feel trapped.
- Practice confronting people and accommodating so much. Learn to express anger assertively right away and learn to be more comfortable when people are upset or mad at you.
- Don’t rationalize your tendency to please others so much.
- Review your previous relationships and identify a pattern pf choosing partners that are controlling or needy. List warning signs you should avoid. Try to avoid people who are selfish, irresponsible, or dependent.
- Be more assertive at work and take credit for what you do. Do not let others take advantage of you. Ask for promotions or raises you are entitled to. Delegate to others.
With time and patience for yourself, you can break this Lifetrap!!
Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.