Schema: Self-defeating, core themes or patterns that we keep repeating throughout our lives.
THE DEFECTIVENESS LIFETRAP
The following are signs that the Defectiveness Lifetrap is active:
- Feeling that no one could love you if they really knew you.
- Feeling flawed and defective. Feeling unworthy of love.
- Having secrets you don’t want to share, even with people that are close to you.
- Feeling it was your fault your parents did not love you.
- You hide the real you. You feel the real you is unacceptable. You show a false self.
- Often drawn to people who are critical and reject you.
- Often critical and rejecting to people that care about you.
- You devalue your positive qualities.
- You live with a lot of shame about yourself.
- One of your greatest fears is that your faults will be exposed.
The following is the way this lifetrap may have been developed:
- Someone in your family may have been extremely critical, demeaning, or punitive toward you. You may have been criticized or punished for the way you looked, your behavior, or things you said.
- You had a parent that made you feel like a disappointment.
- One or both parents rejected you or you felt unloved by them.
- You were abused sexually, physically, or emotionally by a family member.
- You were blamed for things that went wrong with your family.
- Your parents told you that you were bad, worthless, or good-for-nothing.
- You were compared to siblings or they were preferred over you.
- One parent left the home and you blamed yourself.
The following are ways of breaking this lifetrap:
- Understand the childhood feelings of shame and defectiveness. Connect with the wounded child.
- Make a list of signs of how you are coping with this lifetrap.
- Try to find healthy coping skills to manage this lifetrap.
- Monitor your feelings of defectiveness and shame.
- List your defects and assets as a child and teenager. The list your current defects and assets.
- Evaluate the seriousness of your current defects.
- Start a program to change the defects.
- Write a letter to your critical parents.
- Try to be more genuine in relationships.
- Accept love from people close to you.
- Stop allowing others to treat you badly.
- If you are critical in a relationship, stop putting the other person down.
With time and work, possibly with a professional if needed, you can break this lifetrap and have more satisfying relationships.
Reference: Young, J. & Klosko, J. (1994). Reinventing your life. Penguin Books. London, England.