Alcoholism or addiction does not just impact the person using; it impacts the whole family. The person abusing substances tries to convince themselves that they are not affecting anyone. This is a form of minimization that is common with people that have addiction issues. There are now support groups, many 12 step based, that focus on Adult Children of Alcoholics, or ACOA. This is due to the resulting issues adults face when they are raised in an alcoholic/addict home.
Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics
Adult Children of Alcoholics:
- Guess at what normal behavior is.
- Have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
- Lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
- Judge themselves without mercy.
- Have difficulty having fun.
- Take themselves very seriously.
- Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
- Overreact to changes over which they have no control.
- Constantly seek approval and affirmation.
- Usually feel that they are different from other people.
- Are super responsible or super irresponsible.
- Are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
- Are impulsive.
On the Adult Children of Alcoholics website, they define codependency related to ACOA as the following:
- My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you.
- My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you.
- Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/ relieving your pain.
- My mental attention is focused on you.
- My mental attention is focused on protecting you.
- My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way.
- My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems.
- My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain.
- My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests.
- Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
- Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me.
- I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
- I am not aware of what I want- I ask what you want. I am not aware- I assume.
- The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.
- My fear of rejection determines what I say or do.
- My fear of your anger determines what I say or do.
- I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship.
- My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you.
- I put my values aside in order to connect with you.
- I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own.
- The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours.
If you find that you can relate to these things, you may benefit from counseling or a support group for Adult Children of Alcoholics. You can find meeting locations and online meetings at adultchildren.org.